Wanting What Others Have

I was the first of my friends to get married, and the first to have kids. Now when I was "planning" my life, I thought that I would go through school have a good career, find a good man to marry, work for 3-5 years and THEN think about having kids. But that wasn't in store for me. I finished some school, married the Hubs, graduated with my Cert. in Dental Technology, and had a pretty good job to help me get through school. My SURPRISE, aka Kid #1 came even after we were being EXTRA careful to NOT have kids. So chalk it up to "It was meant to be..". Because we had some extra complication with kid #1 (bi-lateral club foot) it was best that I stayed at home with him so I could be there for EVERY surgery. My kid needed a MOM not a baby sitter, since we had a lot of family support, staying at home was something we thought we could do and it would be best if I put my schooling on hold until we were in the clear. I've done as much school as I could do when I could. Now a mom of 2 I am NOT even close to finishing school. Most of my friends are done with school and starting to buy houses and start families. I know things aren't always going to go as planned but I really want to be done with school. I was looking at my credits and I am only half way there. Ben is going to be in school for the next 3 years (at least) and so odds are I will have to once again put my goal of finishing my education on hold. I don't think that there is anything wrong with being "just a mom", because being a mom takes a LOT more then one might think. I know that I feel better about myself and more accomplished by having more education under my belt. This next semester I will be taking night classes and I will be gone 3 nights a week. It seems so hard to peel myself away from my kids, especially since I have my baby who is so new. I don't want to miss out on the important things that will be happening to them but I also want to be able to be some-what of the woman that I had planned on being.

Cherry Red

So I have a major fear of speaking in front of people. (Which is odd because I'm such a chatter box) I don't like having attention where I know people are staring at me, waiting for me to finish what I am trying to say. I was in church (Relief Society) When a question was asked that I had an answer to. I start my answer and as I notice all eyes on my I start to go red. I don't know why I go red, I didn't feel that nervous. Just knowing I'm going red makes me turn red even darker and faster. The blood flow to my face an instant give-away to my insecurity of speaking. Seriously sooo lame! I wish I didn't get so embarrassed, answering a question in front of people I know shouldn't be such a big deal. Sometimes when I know I'm going to be talking in front a big group my lip will twitch, which just makes me feel more embarrassed. Why is speaking in front of people so scary?!

First one completed! This was my practice one so I could figure out what to do. Have to say I'm kinda proud of myself. Never knew I had it in me :) It's not perfect by ANY standard but Carter I'm sure will like it. The back is made with this super soft Minky star fabric. (I know stars...but I can't help it) It took me like 3 hrs from cutting to sewing it all together. Not bad esp when I'm a mom and made dinner, did laundry, and kept the house clean on top of everything else.

I can't help myself...

So anyone who knows me...knows that I LOVE stars...any kind of stars....So since I've kinda got into sewing a bit (pictures to soon follow) I want to create a pattern for Nautical Stars for a blanket...I think it would be cool. I have WAY more that I want to post but I've been busy sewing a way on my new Christmas presentAnd I love it! It can stitch the Alphabet! So next project...a blanket with this kind of pattern

So thus far I've made 2 blankets, one for me, and one for my little bro who is leaving on a "two year church vacation" aka Mission (the red, black, white and grey one above)....and I have to say his was fun to make. I'm excited for my next project!

Your mom's got skills.

So I'm not a very crafty person. I don't scrap book, I'm still learning how to cook, (even though I've been married for almost 5 years, poor hubs)I don't know how to sew, and I don't make things...I like to pretend that I can take pictures (usually just of my kids). I know that everyone has talents but I'm not sure what mine are yet. I like to think that if I pick something up that I will magically be a natural at it and that I could become incredibly famous for it. So this month I'm trying to sew. My mom donated to the "ERICA FUND", a sewing machine. It's an older one but it works just fine. Especially for someone who is just starting out. Since money is tight it is one less thing for me to buy right now. If I do prove to have some sort of knack then I will buy a newer one. Today I've been practicing STRAIGHT LINES. Now I think sewing is much like learning how to write. When you first learn how to write your ABC's your lines are all squiggly, practice is the only way to change this. I also like to imagine that with my new found and instant talent of sewing that I will be able to make beautiful and colorful quilts such as the ones that Amish women make. i.e. the picture. Now I KNOW that it takes years of doing nothing but sewing to make a masterpiece such as this. But hey I can DREAM, that is the whole point of day dreams and what I say goes!

Well that hurt

So there are MANY things in life that are uncomfortable...I will focus on two that have recently been effecting my life. First....FAMILY DRAMA. I hate it! Seriously who needs it. I grew up with the attitude that if it is causing stress in your life then odds are you don't need it. (Whatever it is) If it's worth the headache then you usually won't mind the drama that it is causing in your life. There are many times where I feel like the drama families cause isn't worth it! I have friends that I LOVE WAY more then some of the people I have to deal with in my family(I'm not sorry to say this, but it is the total truth, if you don't like it then stop reading my blog!!)...and there is a lot LESS drama that is caused by them. I vote, no more drama! Or no more family! (only the ones I don't like)

Second un-fun thing I've had to deal with lately...Checking to see if you have swine flu. So last week is was SUPER SICK (which is why I haven't written in a while) so I go into the doctors because I had a fever of 102.9 for 2 or 3 days. Doctor tells me that I probably have swine flu so I need to go to the hospital to get it checked out. So have to wear a mask so I don't spread my germs (which I totally didn't mind, I would want some like me covered up) I'm getting the stare-down from everyone I'm passing....(Hello people I'm in a hospital there are a lot of sick people here I'm not the only one!) I can't help but think do I have something else on my face besides this makes?! Stop looking at me! I go to the 3rd floor to the respiratory therapy room where I'm told to lay down on the bed for the swine flu check. A man walks over to where I'm laying down and says "I'm going to put salt water down your nose and then I'm going to suck it back out with this hose, this will make your eyes water a little bit"...Great this man wants to suck out my boogers, and it's going to hurt...I'm already feeling shitty but this looks fun (not). Salt water in (I gag) here comes the nostril sized vacuum...Did he say this was going to be really bad and make me cough and choke then make my nose bleed for 30 minutes later? Or did he say it would only make my eyes water a little bit? Oh yes then we didn't get enough from that first side so lets go back in there and stab around a bit more. I was handed a tissue to hold over my nose and told I was done and that I could leave. I didn't even get a sucker for being brave. Lame.

Dancing like nobody is watching

Before I had kids I would have said that I didn't get emotional very often. After having my first baby that totally changed things. With having a baby recently I would have to say I'm down right sappy. The other day I was getting ready for the day and I was listening to my ipod, when my oldest came into the bathroom wanting to change the Pandora to the Walt Disney Family Station we had fun dancing to songs like "I just can't wait to be King" from the Lion King, and "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast. We were having fun singing and dancing along and spending some one on one time while the baby was asleep. For me it was great because I was getting something done while spending time having fun with my kiddo. The original "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" song started to play when my son said, "Mommy dance with me." I picked him up and he held one of my hands up while we danced. He put his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my neck and I lost it. I just can't get over how much love you can have for your kids. As we made small circles in our cramped bathroom I couldn't help but think about the years that he has grown up and how fast he has changed from baby to boy and how many wonderful memories we've already had. Then I couldn't help but think about the future memories I might have. Maybe the day, hopefully 20+ years, when we are at his wedding (and I hope there is dancing) and having a mother/son dance. I had to snap back to the moment so I didn't lose this memory. There aren't going to be many moments where he will want to have me dance with him. As he gets older he wants to be more independent and I'm sure there will be times where I don't get to hug him everyday so I'm trying to soak up as much as I can.